It's difficult for me to bring home flowers for my wife. When I do, our
cats eat them and then throw up. It's kind of a mood breaker. I mean,
there's a reason that FTD doesn't sell a "Feline Vomit Bouquet". "Want
to surprise her this Valentines Day?"
The fact that this has happened repeatedly makes me worry that our cats are experimenting with bulimia.
"You know, Fluffy, I just can't keep the weight off like I used to."
"Have you tried sticking your paw down your throat? It did wonders for Cuddles."
-----
Recently I got a chair massage. The name makes it sound
like they somehow rub you down using office furniture. "Hold still. I'm
going to shove the armrest into your neck."
Really though, it is
called a chair massage because you sit in a chair for it. This is as
opposed to the traditional massages where you lie on what appears to be
a modified doctor's examination table. And maybe that was done on
purpose. After all, most people are used to the idea that, when they
see one of those tables, at some point they will have to remove their
pants. You could put one in the food court at the mall and people would
start lining up at Subway in their underwear. "Yeah, I'd like a foot
long tuna and a hernia exam."
With the chair massage, you don't
have to remove any clothing. To me this is a big plus. I'm not what you
would call an exhibitionist. If it wouldn't hamper the cleaning
process, I would wear a wetsuit in the shower.
-----
Tonight we ate at one of those family-friendly restaurants, the kind
that brings crayons to your table, even if you don't have children. And I
realize those places are not seen as establishments of high cuisine,
but I really like the food they have. I'll admit, it is not gourmet.
Everything comes with a side of fries, even if you only ordered a baked
potato. I think even some beverages come with a side of fries.
"Here are your fries, sir."
"But I just stopped in to use the restroom."
It's
the
kind of place where the menus are laminated. And you know a place is
classy when they have menus capable of going through the dishwasher.
The menus
also have bright, colorful pictures of the food. These photos look
better than some shots of our family. In fact, I'm tempted to hire
their photographer to do portraits of our son. "We're looking for the
beauty and quiet dignity you captured in that shot of the mushroom
cheddar burger."
---
A friend recently said I had mojo. However, I think you have to be
cool to have mojo. Samuel L. Jackson has mojo. I'd be lucky to have mo.
And even that might first require a meeting with a loan officer.
Really the only way I could have mojo is if it were a kind of breakfast cereal. "New Kellogg's Mojo:
Fortified with vitamins, minerals, and the kind of funky goodness you
can only get through witch doctors and banned substances. It stays
crispy in milk. Rum too."
Of course, imagine the warning label that would come with. "Warning:
It is a crime to transport Mojo across state lines. This cereal has
also been banned by the International Olympic Committee."
