Last week at one of Max's doctor appointments we had to wait for a really long time. Long enough that we should have had the Post Office hold our mail. Maybe we could have arranged for a temporary forwarding service. "New location: Exam room 3".
A therapist recently had me try meditation. Although I have heard good things about it, my experience of meditation could basically be described as "almost sleeping". And if I did it correctly, that means I also "meditated" through various classes in high school. It also means I have seen a number of people "meditate" after consuming large amounts of alcohol.
"What's wrong with Steve?"
"He's meditating."
"Oh. Is it normal for meditation to be followed by intense vomiting?"
(image copyright Microsoft clipart)
Today I experimented with my exercise routine. Although I just went for a walk and walked my usual route, this time I wore a backpack with a 10 pound weight in it. While I think this might be effective in getting myself in better shape, I worry that I look like some kid who missed the bus. And given my advanced age, I worry that I look like some kid who missed the bus by about 30 years.
(image copyright Microsoft clipart)
The same day that Chrysler declared bankruptcy, I got an email from a Chrysler dealership asking if I wanted to join their sales team. Apparently their ideal employee is someone who has no idea what is going on in the world.
"What did you think of the presidential election?"
"There was an election?"
"You're hired."
(image copyright Microsoft clip art)
Yesterday we had a Tornado
Warning AND a Flash Flood Warning. I'm not sure how, but I'm betting
this was somehow caused by AIG.
Future headline: "Treasury Department Declares Bankruptcy, Will Be Sold To Fiat"
Apparently I have bad taste in wine. At least, when other people
taste the kind of wine I like, they usually get a look like they just
stepped in something unpleasant. It's a look of genuine discomfort, one
you would expect to be followed by someone saying, "I'm sorry about
that. Our dog isn't house trained yet."
I like Merlot, a variety known for its deep red color and a taste dry enough to cause a loss of feeling in your appendages. Some bottles should come with a complimentary wheelchair or at least a warning that you should only drink it in the presence of a registered nurse.
WAITER: This is the 2006 from California's Sonoma region and this is Helen from County General.
The site Professional Friends of Wine says that, "Since Merlot both buds and flowers
early, growers' main worry is susceptibility to shatter
or coulure." I believe Shatter and Coulure
were bands in the 80s, the kind that wore a lot of make-up and
parachute pants. This would explain why they are listed as a "main
worry." The site goes on to say that, "The berry of Merlot
is relatively thin-skinned and somewhat prone to rot." The same could
be said of a number of women in Hollywood, especially those who have
had a lot of work done. Thus, when you see an actress whose face lift
appears to have been done with a powerful air hose, the polite thing to
say is that, like a Merlot berry, maybe she was destroyed by the elements.
My current favorite Merlot
is from a label called "Barefoot". I believe the name is a reference to
the historic technique of people pressing the wine grapes by stepping
on them with their bare feet. Despite this nod to tradition, I have to
say that the name is somewhat disgusting. After all, when I think of
fine food and drinks, my first thought is not usually, "Let's find
something that has been stepped on." It's like creating a
gourmet burger and calling it "Meat I Ran Over with the Car". Still, I
really like the taste of the Barefoot Merlot. Also, it only costs about
$6. Thus I can get a entire bottle of wine for the same price as a
Starbucks beverage. Of course, to be fair, at least Starbucks never
suggests their coffee came in contact with their feet.
"Is your coffee fresh?"
"I just filtered it through my shoe five minutes ago."
(photo copyright Barefoot Cellars)
(photo copyright Sarah Arbogast)
I'm making an attempt to become an optimist. Given my history and predispositions, this is kind of like a turtle saying, "I'm making an attempt to become a Boeing 707." Even with the best intentions, it could be a while before the amphibian is cleared for takeoff at O'Hare.
My natural tendency is to imagine what could go wrong in any situation. In a sense this makes me good at risk analysis. "And now Cris Cohen will explain how you could be killed by corn holders." It doesn't make me someone who embraces life with arms wide open, though. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I face life with arms crossed, tensed, and bracing for impact. I tend to wake up every morning feeling like I am about to start work as a crash test dummy. "Morning, Cris. You're in car 15 today, 'Head-On Collisions'."
I would like to stop being a pessimist, though. For one thing, there is no tax incentive. "W2 form / Line H: Put a 1 in the box if you think you suck." Also, although it comes naturally to me, it's tiring. Constantly imagining the worst leads to an exhaustion normally only seen among people who have climbed Everest.
I'd like to be an actual optimist, though, someone who is hopeful but views things realistically. I don't want to be like those artificial optimists, the ones who achieve an upbeat state of denial through giddiness and, possibly, exposure to paint fumes.
I mean, from what I can tell, even when things are going well, life is not perfection. It's messy and off-balance, like a waiter trying to bring an order of soup across wet tiles.
From Derek's Blog - "Seems in the UK they’re taking the challenge of linking ICT to the curriculum very seriously, to the extent that their draft plans will require children to master Twitter and Wikipedia . . . Included in the proposal is the requirement for those leaving primary school to be familiar with blogging, podcasts, Wikipedia and Twitter as sources of information and forms of communication."
It’s odd if only because kids are usually early adopters of technology. It’s like a school system declaring that there will be mandatory computer game classes. “Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. As Billy’s teacher, I’m worried that he is falling behind in ‘World of Warcraft’. For instance, yesterday during open kill time I caught him reading.”
I think the problem with Twitter is its mundane question, "What are you doing?" It is the reason the hompage is filled with posts like "Eating tuna" and "Thinking of carpeting". It seems like it would be more interesting if it was based around the question "What aren't you doing?" Sure you still might get somewhat dulll answers like "Work" and "Practicing any kind of hygiene", but it seems you would also get a number of more creative answers like "Expressing myself through creamed corn" and "Putting a saddle on my neighbor."
