Apparently I have bad taste in wine. At least, when other people
taste the kind of wine I like, they usually get a look like they just
stepped in something unpleasant. It's a look of genuine discomfort, one
you would expect to be followed by someone saying, "I'm sorry about
that. Our dog isn't house trained yet."
I like Merlot, a variety known for its deep red color and a taste dry enough to cause a loss of feeling in your appendages. Some bottles should come with a complimentary wheelchair or at least a warning that you should only drink it in the presence of a registered nurse.
WAITER: This is the 2006 from California's Sonoma region and this is Helen from County General.
The site Professional Friends of Wine says that, "Since Merlot both buds and flowers
early, growers' main worry is susceptibility to shatter
or coulure." I believe Shatter and Coulure
were bands in the 80s, the kind that wore a lot of make-up and
parachute pants. This would explain why they are listed as a "main
worry." The site goes on to say that, "The berry of Merlot
is relatively thin-skinned and somewhat prone to rot." The same could
be said of a number of women in Hollywood, especially those who have
had a lot of work done. Thus, when you see an actress whose face lift
appears to have been done with a powerful air hose, the polite thing to
say is that, like a Merlot berry, maybe she was destroyed by the elements.
My current favorite Merlot
is from a label called "Barefoot". I believe the name is a reference to
the historic technique of people pressing the wine grapes by stepping
on them with their bare feet. Despite this nod to tradition, I have to
say that the name is somewhat disgusting. After all, when I think of
fine food and drinks, my first thought is not usually, "Let's find
something that has been stepped on." It's like creating a
gourmet burger and calling it "Meat I Ran Over with the Car". Still, I
really like the taste of the Barefoot Merlot. Also, it only costs about
$6. Thus I can get a entire bottle of wine for the same price as a
Starbucks beverage. Of course, to be fair, at least Starbucks never
suggests their coffee came in contact with their feet.
"Is your coffee fresh?"
"I just filtered it through my shoe five minutes ago."
(photo copyright Barefoot Cellars)
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