Nothing in Particular

Wal-Mart Caskets

Top 10 Slogans for Wal-Mart's New Line of Caskets:

10 - Now with free flame decals.

9 - Also great for serving dip.

8 - I can't believe it's not cardboard.

7 - Some assembly required.

6 - Conveniently located next to the frozen meats.

5 - It's like you've died and gone to . . . well, Wal-Mart.

4 - The new easy-lock lids seal in the freshness.

3 - Never mind that they look a lot like our large, party coolers.

2 - Try our new 2-for-1 special.

1 - This Christmas get grandma something she can use.

Massages, Flowers, and Questionable Mojo

It's difficult for me to bring home flowers for my wife. When I do, our cats eat them and then throw up. It's kind of a mood breaker. I mean, there's a reason that FTD doesn't sell a "Feline Vomit Bouquet". "Want to surprise her this Valentines Day?"

The fact that this has happened repeatedly makes me worry that our cats are experimenting with bulimia.

"You know, Fluffy, I just can't keep the weight off like I used to."

"Have you tried sticking your paw down your throat? It did wonders for Cuddles."

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Recently I got a chair massage. The name makes it sound like they somehow rub you down using office furniture. "Hold still. I'm going to shove the armrest into your neck."

Really though, it is called a chair massage because you sit in a chair for it. This is as opposed to the traditional massages where you lie on what appears to be a modified doctor's examination table. And maybe that was done on purpose. After all, most people are used to the idea that, when they see one of those tables, at some point they will have to remove their pants. You could put one in the food court at the mall and people would start lining up at Subway in their underwear. "Yeah, I'd like a foot long tuna and a hernia exam."

With the chair massage, you don't have to remove any clothing. To me this is a big plus. I'm not what you would call an exhibitionist. If it wouldn't hamper the cleaning process, I would wear a wetsuit in the shower.

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Tonight we ate at one of those family-friendly restaurants, the kind that brings crayons to your table, even if you don't have children. And I realize those places are not seen as establishments of high cuisine, but I really like the food they have. I'll admit, it is not gourmet. Everything comes with a side of fries, even if you only ordered a baked potato. I think even some beverages come with a side of fries.

"Here are your fries, sir."

"But I just stopped in to use the restroom."

It's the kind of place where the menus are laminated. And you know a place is classy when they have menus capable of going through the dishwasher. The menus also have bright, colorful pictures of the food. These photos look better than some shots of our family. In fact, I'm tempted to hire their photographer to do portraits of our son. "We're looking for the beauty and quiet dignity you captured in that shot of the mushroom cheddar burger."

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A friend recently said I had mojo. However, I think you have to be cool to have mojo. Samuel L. Jackson has mojo. I'd be lucky to have mo. And even that might first require a meeting with a loan officer. 

Really the only way I could have mojo is if it were a kind of breakfast cereal. "New Kellogg's Mojo: Fortified with vitamins, minerals, and the kind of funky goodness you can only get through witch doctors and banned substances. It stays crispy in milk. Rum too."

Of course, imagine the warning label that would come with. "Warning: It is a crime to transport Mojo across state lines. This cereal has also been banned by the International Olympic Committee."

Marketing Experts

Suddenly every other person you meet is a marketing expert.

"I can help you take your brand to the next level."

"OK, but really all I want right now is a side order of fries."

Sometimes they will even declare themselves a marketing guru, which I believe is a marketing expert who occasionally eats Indian food.

Movie review: Where the Wild Things Suck.

The dialogue is a transcript of junior high school students who have been exposed to paint fumes. The camera work is done by someone who has frequent seizures.

Late Night Philosophy

Both funny and philosophical:

Job security via ignorance

Several people in the news are saying that the recession is over. Coincidentally, none of those people are unemployed. In fact, economic experts are never unemployed, even though their predictions about the economy are usually wrong. It's like continuing to pay a pilot who crashes the plane every week. "I guess that mountain was a little higher than I thought." As a result, being an economic expert seems to be an ideal job. You can say anything and never be fired. "It's clear to me that in five years the US currency will switch from dollars to live sheep."

Death Before Dining

There was a piece in the news about a six-year-old boy in Delaware who was suspended because he brought some camping utensils to school to eat his lunch with. The school said this fell under their zero tolerance for weapons policy. In addition to suspending him, they want to have him sent to a reform school for further discipline.

I think if the school is going to go that route, then they have to be that strict with every policy. For instance, under the policy that no drugs are allowed in school, I think any child found in possession of granulated sugar should be forcibly removed from the premises. He should be cuffed and dragged away by security personnel dressed in full riot gear.

If the controlled substance is an artificial sweetener, security should first lob in tear gas and then proceed with some sort of public beating. Ten hits for every packet of Splenda.

Getting back to the weapons problem, any and all utensils should be removed from the cafeteria. After all, based on this school's zero tolerance policy, there is little difference between a surface-to-air missile and a fork. So from now on the kids will eat with their hands, even if the meal that day is soup. Making them eat like household pets is a small price to pay for safety.

Relating Marketing Wisdom to Comedy

Seth Godin recently wrote a blog post entitled "Traction and friction". One line that struck me in particular is "The best marketers I know make up rules for themselves and they don't break them."

It reminded me of an interview I saw with Jerry Seinfeld back when his show was on. The interviewer asked if he might like switching his show from network TV to cable. After all, then he wouldn't have all of the restrictions. Seinfeld said something like, "No, the rules are what make it fun."

I think an example of what he meant was the now-classic episode called "The Contest". Addressing that show's topic on cable would have been no big deal, rather ordinary. Addressing that topic on network TV was kind of interesting and, because of good writing, funny. They never crossed the line. They just cleverly danced right along it. Traction and friction.

Headlines 10/8 - 10/10/09

> iPhone introduces new "hernia exam" app. Several users are arrested for lewd public behavior.

> Man with golden touch. President Obama wins powerball lottery. Also county fair prize for best sheep.

> In another surprise victory, President Obama wins the Grammy Award for "Best Album by a Duo or Group".

Steve Martin blog

There are a number of funny people out there doing movies, TV shows, etc. However, not many of them can actually write funny, be funny in print. Steve Martin is one of the exceptions. The good news for readers is that he just launched a blog. The bad news for writers is that he just launched a blog, thus pushing people like me even further down the list and into greater obscurity. Still, the reader in me is happy, especially when I see lines in his first post like, "At an expense of over twelve dollars, my brand-new website has finally gone live." Funny stuff.