Nothing in Particular

Lawnmower

The other day I bought a manual, push lawnmower. Picture a couple of large, rotating carrot peelers connected to a pole. It is a little old fashioned. In fact, in terms of gardening technology, it is one step away from having sheep.

 

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Memorial Day Weekend

Almost every business has a Memorial Day sale. “This weekend honor those who died for our country by saving 20% on all latex paints.” Theoretically there are some businesses that don’t try to cash in on the holiday. “Treat yourself this Memorial Day at Liposuction Emporium!” I just have trouble finding them. “This weekend it’s our All American Spay And Neuter Service!”

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Applying For A Job

Here is a blog post I was asked to do for the company Evantec Consulting. And yes, the emails discussed are true and word for word.

 

 

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Office Supplies

The other day I got an office supply catalogue in the mail. It was the kind where even the smallest order would have to be delivered to your home by a cargo plane. “Is that a C-130 in Stan’s driveway?” It specialized in bulk quantities.

“How many rolls of packing tape come with the medium order?”

“Enough that you won’t be able to store them in any state smaller than Ohio.”

This same catalogue also sold moving blankets, padding you put around large pieces of furniture so they don’t get scratched when you drag them through the doorway or over a family member. “Sorry, Phil. Didn’t see you there. And I guess the blanket muffled your screams.”

One of the moving blankets they sold was camouflage. Apparently a lot of their clients move furniture as part of military operations in the jungles of Vietnam. “It would be a lot easier to attack the enemy’s camp if we didn’t have to take this filing cabinet with us.”

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Coffee Cup Sleeves 2

Coffee shops offer sleeves because the cups they give people are not meant to hold any liquid hotter than refrigerated milk. This creates a slight problem, since most beverages sold at a coffee shop are warm enough to burn through a car door. It’s like a company that does molten lava collection only offering its employees small, plastic spoons and some moist towelettes. (As a side note, I believe The Towelettes was a singing group in the 1950s.)

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Cary Citizen: Make Mine Rare

My latest column for the Cary Citizen.

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Coffee Cup Sleeves

Almost every coffee shop I have gone to offers sleeves to put around their cups. They look like beverage cummerbunds, like maybe the local tuxedo rental shop now offers paper cup formal wear. “Apparently Helen’s date for the prom is a Grande Latte.”

 (Photo: Mykl Roventine)

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Children On Leashes

The other day at the mall I saw a man walking with his little boy. The boy was wearing a backpack that was connected to a leash. “We buy all of Timmy’s school supplies at Petco.” Parents use leashes to ensure their children are safe and that they grow up to think they are a kind of schnauzer. As a result, these kids are often well-behaved, loyal, and prone to peeing outdoors.

Some say that parents who use leashes are over-protective and too controlling. It is possible, though, that these critics are just jealous of the preferential treatment the children get at the veterinarian’s office.

 

Rare Burgers

I was asked to write a piece for rareburger.com. It was fun. I hope you like it. It is called "The Challenge of Ordering a Rare Burger".

 

 

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Sponsor the upcoming book, support a charity and promote you or your company for just $35.

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Musicals

This week the Spider-Man Musical re-opened. Musicals are plays where the actors are afflicted with a condition that makes them sing all of their dialogue. “Yes, it did have a good beat. I just felt a little odd clapping along to a song about a colonoscopy.”

Musicals are created by people who have undergone years of intense training and education so that they have the intellect and skill necessary to add dance routines to what were once Disney films. “I don’t remember Jiminy Cricket doing so much pelvic thrusting in the movie.”