There are a number of products on the market designed to make your teeth whiter. Although they go by different names, most fall under the category of “edible paint”. Using them is not much different than rinsing your mouth out with a product from Sherwin-Williams. There is a very thin line between using the whitening products they sell in the dental section of the drug store and just sitting down in your kitchen with a bucket of acrylic latex and a spoon.
Some of the whitening products are applied by lining your teeth with what appears to be Scotch tape. These are called “strips” because they seem to strip away layers of bone and enamel. If accidentally dropped on the floor, these strips can rip out whole sections of tile. In fact, whitening strips are now the preferred tool of road crews who need to tunnel through pavement. Sure, they bring out the big machines to make it look good, but really they just grab some protective goggles and a box with the Crest logo on it.
More than a few times I have heard of instances where someone left the whitening strips on his teeth too long and, as a result, suffered several hours of severe pain. As a result, there is a good chance that teeth whitening will replace waterboarding as the preferred method of questioning terrorists. Pretty soon people held captive in Guantanamo Bay will have some of the most dazzling teeth in the Western Hemisphere.
“Wow, Steve. Your teeth look fantastic. What’s your secret?”
“I accidentally brought a sharp object onto a commercial airliner.”