Nothing in Particular

Introverted

Most of the time I am somewhat introverted. My idea of spontaneous, wild behavior involves calling someone on the phone. When I really want to live on the edge I will call someone who might actually be there and risk not getting his voicemail. “Next time you see that it is me, could you just not answer it? I’m really more comfortable talking to the recording.”

I am not extremely introverted. I can maintain eye contact for extended periods of time, and not just with cats. I even do speaking engagements pretty often. And again, not just with cats. But for me, introversion is my default setting. My idea of relaxing involves being alone with a book or a computer. Again, I can speak to large groups of people. I just don’t consider it relaxing. In fact, it usually results in a spike in blood pressure and the kind of intense bladder pressure that is usually only experienced by pregnant women.

Commercial - “I was having severe urination blockage problems. My doctor prescribed two weeks of daily lectures in front of no fewer than six thousand people. Now my bladder is unstoppable.”

Feathers And Fashion

There was a story in the news about how it has become trendy for women to adorn their hair with the same feathers used for fishing lures. “Since it’s a formal dinner, I chose something nice from Stan’s tackle box.” This is a bold step in the world of fashion, since women don’t usually wear items that could be classified as “a kind of bait”. The text on the jewelry websites must be interesting. “You’ll be chumming the waters when you put on this lovely piece from Big Ed’s Fish Emporium.” I imagine they have to come with warning labels though. “Do not wear when swimming in rivers, lakes, or anywhere with aggressive trout.”

Rhythm

Our son, Max, has a tendency to swing his head from side to side. It is a behavior that is somewhat common among special needs kids. Of course, it is also common with R&B singers. So although Max is definitely a special needs child, it is possible he will eventually be featured on a Motown tribute album. His head swinging just has this cool rhythm to it. Some people say they hear voices in their heads. Maybe our child hears a selection of Stevie Wonder songs.

What is sad is that my child has better groove and moves when he is just standing around than I do when I am trying to dance. Most people look at me on a dance floor and think that, whatever music I am hearing in my head, it has a tendency to skip. “Cris Cohen presents ‘How to dance to a contaminated sound file.’”

Understanding Children

Even though I have a child of my own, I am not a natural with kids. In fact, a lot of the time I feel like I need a translator or one of those scientists who are able to explain that a series of spastic movements by a bird are actually his way of marking his territory . . . or filing his taxes. Something like that.

“Note the intricate hand gestures that the monkey uses to express his love for his mate.”

“Are you sure? It looks like he is flashing gang signs.”

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Laptop Touchpad

It can be difficult to appear manly while using a laptop’s touchpad, that square section below the keyboard that you use instead of a mouse. It kind of forces you to use light, flowing movements, like you are trying to recreate an ice skating routine with just your fingers. “Either Dave is scrolling through a website or he has finally perfected that Triple Lutz.”

Even when you are not moving the cursor, though, you tend to let your hand hang limply in mid air. “Hey, Rick. Having flashbacks to your last manicure?” It’s not a masculine hand position. Masculine hand positions involve gripping a baseball bat, a steering wheel, or something that has a trigger and a three-day waiting period.

Pool Toys

I have noticed that a number of pool toys are designed to get people wet, people who are already almost completely submerged in water. “I dodged the sprayer by diving into the deep end.” It would be like having guns that were made to fire compressed air at people while they are skydiving. As a result, many pool toys are kind of redundant to the entire swimming experience.

“What’s that for?”

“You use it to get people wet.”

“People in the pool?”

Background Checks

Some companies I have worked for have done background checks on all of their employees. “Can we trust him around the sticky notes?” Some of them have forms that ask basic preliminary questions like “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” or “Have you ever been a United States Senator?” If you answered “yes” to the first question, it could mean that you cannot be trusted with financial information. If you answered “yes” to the second question, it could mean that you are prone to removing your pants when alone with a coworker.

Fear and Air Conditioning

Sometimes when our son is sleeping and the air conditioning comes on, he becomes scared. His level of fear is what you would expect of someone who suddenly noticed a man climbing through the window with a chainsaw. He is so terrified that I am thinking of writing a horror movie that skips over the usual guys in hockey masks and instead makes the killer a central air system. Based on our son’s reaction, it might become the scariest movie of all time. Mix up some dim lighting, ominous music, and shots of an HVAC and people might wet themselves in the theater.

Knitting

My wife, Michele, has become interested in knitting the way some people become interested in crack. It is not just a hobby for her, but an obsession, one that might require an intervention and some time at a treatment facility. “Michele, you are up to three sweaters a day. It’s time to admit that you have a problem.”

And although it is a source of joy for her, it is also often the reason she swears. As a result, we have decided that it is best if she does not knit in front of children. And while Michele is very good at knitting, because of the swearing she will probably never be able to host a television show about it. “Tonight at 10:00 is ‘(bleep)ing Knitting with Michele’”. Not unless it is on some cable channel, the kind that regularly shows those extreme fights where the winner is given a trophy and the loser is given a tasteful burial service.