Nothing in Particular

Makeup Lies

Two makeup advertisements featuring actress Julia Roberts and model Christy Turlington were banned in England. I guess this means that the police can now arrest people who are in possession of either heroin or the new issue of “Good Housekeeping”. A newspaper article said, “The Advertising Standards Authority found that the airbrushed images used by L'Oreal in magazine ad campaigns exaggerated the results women could expect from using the beauty products.” Perhaps the make-up company could just put a warning label on the ads. “Warning: Although our products are good, a little bit of foundation will not make you look like Julia Roberts if you are obese, unattractive, a man...”

Or they could just be more open and honest in the ads. “These results can only be achieved by using both our makeup and the kind of computer graphics software used in making the ‘Transformers’ movies.”

 

The Economy

Economists sometimes refer to the current recession as a malaise, which I believe is a type of heavy, breakfast condiment. “Yes, waiter, I’ll have the Eggs Benedict with the malaise sauce.” I am guessing that they use the term “malaise” because it sounds less shocking than “extreme beating” or “catastrophe”. It doesn’t seem to fit the situation, though. When you misplace a $20, you experience a malaise. When you misplace the entire US economy, you experience cold sweats, violent nausea, and a look of shock usually only seen on drivers who barely missed being in a head on collision.

 

Where To Write?

I am proud to say that I have a guest post on Alice Osborn's blog.  

Magnet Wristbands

A number of people now wear wristbands that have magnets in them. I am guessing that the magnets are not that strong. Otherwise you would regularly see someone being dragged behind a bus. “Unfortunately I got stuck to a Greyhound. That driver didn’t pull over until West Virginia.”

 

Drug Name

A newspaper headline said “Diabetes Drug Dapagliflozin Rejected by F.D.A. Panel”. It is possible that there was nothing wrong with the drug, but that the panel thought that Dapagliflozin was the dumbest name they have ever seen. For one thing, it does not sound like a real word as much as a noise that someone made while choking on a large piece of melon. This is not a name that you give to a serious medicine created to save people’s lives. This is a name that you give to a cartoon character who has a speech impediment.

 

Planets

A book I am reading has the sentence “The planets farther from the Sun are the jovian planets, or gas giants.” These planets were given this name because they have a tendency to consume unusually large quantities of cabbage and re-fried beans. Along similar lines, it is common to find human jovians in fast food restaurants and in the restrooms of most major sports arenas.

 

Ketchup

At a restaurant that we went to, there was a ketchup bottle that said “Fancy” on the label. It’s kind of like seeing a toilet plunger with a label that says “Distinguished”. “Fancy” is a word that you use to describe jewelry or a tissue box made entirely from precious metals. Ketchup doesn’t really go with “fancy”. Ketchup should be described with terms like “flavorful”, “tasty”, or “thick enough to clog a muffler”.

 

Pest Control

I saw a pest control company vehicle with a big sticker on the back that said “Hugs Not Drugs”. I guess they kill bugs with intense love. Never mind pesticides. They destroy roaches and insects with massive amounts of affection.

Wine Brand Names

I read on the back of a bottle of wine that the name of the brand was a reference to “a treasured circus attraction”. After all, nothing makes you appreciate a fine Cabernet more than when you are downwind from a caged animal. Circuses tend not to be about fine wine. They are more about popcorn, peanuts, and elephants relieving themselves in front of the grandstands. “Looks like Dumbo is having some digestive problems. More Zinfandel?”

Social Networks

Nowadays, many companies are building their own online social networks. “We think our new social network is a natural expansion of our line of flavored mustards.” In an effort to differentiate themselves from Facebook, most are designing their social networks to be for special niches. “Sure Facebook is good. But where do people go when they want to connect with others in the heroin trade?” Although, I think some try for niches that are a little too narrow, like social networks designed only for people who like re-creating the Harry Potter movies with an assortment of vegetables. “Have you longed to connect with other people who feel that Lord Voldemort is best represented by a large zucchini...”