I saw a coffee commercial where a woman is first shown taking some sips from a cup and then is next shown running a marathon. I’m not sure that I want a coffee that is strong enough to be banned by the Olympic Committee. In the morning I just want a little pick me up, not the beverage equivalent of PCP. “After trying that new coffee, I found that I could not go to sleep before, say, June.”
Our son had a massive nosebleed yesterday. It was the kind that makes you reach for not just tissues, but towels . . . and a bucket. At one point I wondered why we had never put a drain in the living room floor.
We had a hard time believing that it was just a nosebleed. Based on the volume, it seemed more plausible that someone had fired an arrow into one of his nostrils. Although, it’s rare that we come across an archery tournament in our own home.
When a hurricane hits, TV news crews jump into action. It is a unique opportunity for them to cover dramatic events as they happen and to see how close they can come to killing the weatherman without being sued. “Mitch, we would like you to report from the end of the pier while strapped to this large sail.” After all, nothing conveys the intensity of the storm better than shots of a grown man about to be swept out to sea. “Channel 5 congratulates our own weatherman, Skip Jones, on his TV award for Best Location Reporting. The certificate will be presented to his widow tomorrow afternoon.”
Newspapers reported on the fighting in Libya and how rebel fighters moved in on foot and in pickup trucks. Rebel fighters always try to use pickup trucks, since it is tough to look threatening in a Prius. “Even when I am slaughtering my oppressors, I still worry about my carbon footprint.” In fact, based on what you see in the news, 90% of all pickup trucks are sold to rebel fighters. You’d think that would be mentioned in the advertisements. “Whenever I am looking to hunt down a dictator and drag his lifeless body through the streets, I rely on my Nissan Frontier.”
The other day my wife accidentally hit her own leg with the power sprayer. It is a miracle that her foot is still attached as opposed to, say, in Georgia. A power sprayer is basically a hose hooked up to a small engine. That extra power gives the water enough pressure to push a dump truck uphill. We have been using the power sprayer to clean our driveway, which has the kind of ground in dirt that cannot be removed with a regular hose or even small explosives. My wife, Michele, suffered extreme pain and some minor bleeding. So really it was not that different from when some family members visit.
Our son has a placemat with a map of the United States on it. “That spill at breakfast completely wiped out Florida.” Looking at the shapes of the various states, it’s clear that when they acquired those western territories, they started hiring anal retentive people to draw the boundaries. “This is Stan. He has a ruler.”
We bought a box of resealable plastic bags that said “all-purpose storage” on it. It’s the kind of term that suggests that you could use them to hold either pieces of fruit or plutonium. “There was a leak in the main reactor. Luckily we had these small plastic bags on hand.” It just seems like kind of a broad statement.
“And for all-purpose storage we have these bags.”
“Thank God. My garage is full and I have been looking for a place to put my old Buick.”
My wife bought a spray to keep rabbits from eating our plants. The bottle had a picture of a smiling bunny, though. If the product is a rabbit repellent, shouldn’t the bunny at least be frowning? If I am choosing a rabbit repellent, I’m not going to pick the one with the overjoyed bunny on the bottle. I am going to choose the one that shows a rabbit bent over vomiting or one whose paws are on fire like he was just scorched by holy water.
Postcards are a simple, yet decorative way to mock people who are not on vacation with you. With just a single piece of paper and a small amount of postage, you can take a tropical paradise and shove it in someone else’s face. Some people think that you send postcards to brighten a friend’s day. But a friend’s day is not brightened by a reminder that he is not in Hawaii. A friend’s day would be brightened if you sent a postcard showing you being violated by airport security.