Nothing in Particular

Halloween Costumes

Although most people consider Halloween to be a fun holiday, for some it can be a genuine nightmare. I am of course referring to prostitutes, who have a difficult time standing out from the average costumed woman. Most of the female costumes sold in stores and online fall into the category “some kind of call girl”, even if that is not what it says on the label.

“Great costume. Are you a pole dancer?”

“I’m a nun.”

Not satisfied with the standard nurse outfit, many costume makers are breaking new ground in the field of hooker wear. Hence costumes like the:
> Sexy Postal Worker
> Sexy Asbestos Removal Technician
> Sexy Woman Who Lives With Way Too Many Cats

 

Hard Liquor Ads

Some of the magazines I get feature full page ads for hard liquor, types of alcohol that go beyond beer and wine and almost enter the category “liquids sold at Home Depot”. They are fluids that can get you intoxicated or be used for eating through rust.

It is kind of odd if only because these ads are in technology magazines. “Speaking of search engines, wouldn’t you like to be hammered right now?”

The ads usually try to make the liquor seem austere and dignified. However, these are not words that most people associate with, say, tequila. Based on what friends have told me, tequila is more often associated with terms like “regret” and “uncontrollable vomiting”. One ad for a brand of bourbon used words like “craft” and “artistry”. I’m not sure that those are the words that the doctor will use when he explains why you need a new liver.

These ads also show these bottles of liquor resting on a finely polished wood table, sometimes in a tastefully decorated office or personal library. Again, based on stories I have heard, a more accurate setting for the bottle would be on a stained carpet surrounded by various unconscious people, some of whom are bleeding. And there might be a warm glow to the setting, but that would coming from the couch in the background that is on fire.

 

Menus

It is considered kind of low class, but I appreciate when restaurants have menus that feature pictures of the food. To be honest, I would even be OK with drawings by police sketch artists. “Is this the entree that attacked you, ma’am?”

Fancy restaurants never have pictures. Instead fancy restaurants have lengthy, written descriptions printed in one of those fonts that hasn’t been used since the thirteenth century. It’s to the point where you can’t tell if you are looking at a list of appetizers or a reproduction of the Magna Carta.

 

What are political debates?

New Book

Open The Flood Gates

(photo: Manuel Sanvictores)

This picture was taken by my friend Manuel at a 7-eleven. The second smallest cup is the Big Gulp. When I was growing up, this was the largest container of liquid that you could purchase without needing a truck driving license. Drinking one meant that you would not be able to leave the house for three days unless you had a catheter connected to a portable rain barrel.

Now it appears there are a few larger options. These are obviously for the person who wants to produce enough urine to put out a forest fire. I am not sure of the names for the new sizes. Some possibilities are:

> Self-Inflicted Tsunami

> Kidney Failure

> You Thought The BP Spill Was Big

> Biblical Flooding In A Cup

The Power of Cheese

As someone who has a lot of experience washing dishes, I can tell you that melted mozzarella has the adhesive strength of velcro covered in super glue. Cleaning it off of a fork involves hot water, soap, and a welding torch.

 

Presidential Debates

Right now there are a number of presidential debates happening. Debates are when candidates recite things they memorized. These could be views on world events or the ingredients to various cocktails. “When asked for a solution to the economic crisis, the senator replied ‘a shot of vermouth.’”

 

Am I Really Here?

Because of movies like “The Sixth Sense”, whenever I wave my hand in front of a restroom’s automated towel dispenser and nothing happens, I worry that I might be dead. And at that moment I am both sad that I died and sad that my last experience on Earth was standing at a urinal.

 

Spiders

This month's column for the Cary Citizen is now live.

Wine

Sometimes a glass of wine helps me unwind after a tough day. I wish I had realized that years ago … like during junior high school.