Nothing in Particular

Wal-Mart Caskets

Top 10 Slogans for Wal-Mart's New Line of Caskets:

10 - Now with free flame decals.

9 - Also great for serving dip.

8 - I can't believe it's not cardboard.

7 - Some assembly required.

6 - Conveniently located next to the frozen meats.

5 - It's like you've died and gone to . . . well, Wal-Mart.

4 - The new easy-lock lids seal in the freshness.

3 - Never mind that they look a lot like our large, party coolers.

2 - Try our new 2-for-1 special.

1 - This Christmas get grandma something she can use.

Marketing Experts

Suddenly every other person you meet is a marketing expert.

"I can help you take your brand to the next level."

"OK, but really all I want right now is a side order of fries."

Sometimes they will even declare themselves a marketing guru, which I believe is a marketing expert who occasionally eats Indian food.

Job security via ignorance

Several people in the news are saying that the recession is over. Coincidentally, none of those people are unemployed. In fact, economic experts are never unemployed, even though their predictions about the economy are usually wrong. It's like continuing to pay a pilot who crashes the plane every week. "I guess that mountain was a little higher than I thought." As a result, being an economic expert seems to be an ideal job. You can say anything and never be fired. "It's clear to me that in five years the US currency will switch from dollars to live sheep."

Death Before Dining

There was a piece in the news about a six-year-old boy in Delaware who was suspended because he brought some camping utensils to school to eat his lunch with. The school said this fell under their zero tolerance for weapons policy. In addition to suspending him, they want to have him sent to a reform school for further discipline.

I think if the school is going to go that route, then they have to be that strict with every policy. For instance, under the policy that no drugs are allowed in school, I think any child found in possession of granulated sugar should be forcibly removed from the premises. He should be cuffed and dragged away by security personnel dressed in full riot gear.

If the controlled substance is an artificial sweetener, security should first lob in tear gas and then proceed with some sort of public beating. Ten hits for every packet of Splenda.

Getting back to the weapons problem, any and all utensils should be removed from the cafeteria. After all, based on this school's zero tolerance policy, there is little difference between a surface-to-air missile and a fork. So from now on the kids will eat with their hands, even if the meal that day is soup. Making them eat like household pets is a small price to pay for safety.

Headlines 10/8 - 10/10/09

> iPhone introduces new "hernia exam" app. Several users are arrested for lewd public behavior.

> Man with golden touch. President Obama wins powerball lottery. Also county fair prize for best sheep.

> In another surprise victory, President Obama wins the Grammy Award for "Best Album by a Duo or Group".

Hard News

News agencies pull reporters from Afghanistan so they can provide more thorough coverage of Jon & Kate story.

David Letterman

After admitting to sexual relationships with staff members, Letterman given honorary seat in US Senate.

Roman Polanski

Construction abruptly halted on "Roman Polanski School for Girls".

Conan O'Brien Accident

So far the best line I have heard about Conan O'Brien's accident was from O'Brien himself. He said that he hit his head so hard that for a while he actually understood the plot of "Lost".

Chicago and the Olympics

Chicago sweetens bid for 2016 Olympics by offering committee Obama's Senate seat.