To be fair, though, these special stock tips are the only ways that senators and congressmen know how to vote on bills that come before them. Federal leaders tend not to understand issues, laws, or anything more complicated than a short dinner menu. “When asked for his viewpoint on the staggering economic gap that exists in this country, the senator replied, ‘I’ll have the salmon.’”
When a bill is first introduced, it is explained to members of Congress in ways that they will understand. This usually involves some sort of cartoon or, at the very least, sock puppets. The individual legislators then ruminate on this bill until they either run out of alcohol or pass out. It is an intense process that involves deep soul searching. At least that is the reason given by most spokespeople when asked why a Representative woke up on the floor of his office covered in his own urine.
If it weren’t for insider trading, this kind of debate could rage on indefinitely, leading to a legislative shut down and a number of liver transplants. Thankfully, though, a congressional aid can just tell his boss how he or she could make a lot of money from this and that person will immediately be ready to vote. This is how the wheels of progress move forward and how a senator making $100,000 a year can suddenly afford a house the size of Argentina.
Insider trading: It is the foundation of capitalism and democracy. And it is why, if you ever visit your congressman’s office, you should not be surprised if you see a severed head on his bookshelf.