Nothing in Particular

The Frog and Peach

A classic bit from Dudley Moore and Peter Cook.

Death Before Dining

There was a piece in the news about a six-year-old boy in Delaware who was suspended because he brought some camping utensils to school to eat his lunch with. The school said this fell under their zero tolerance for weapons policy. In addition to suspending him, they want to have him sent to a reform school for further discipline.

I think if the school is going to go that route, then they have to be that strict with every policy. For instance, under the policy that no drugs are allowed in school, I think any child found in possession of granulated sugar should be forcibly removed from the premises. He should be cuffed and dragged away by security personnel dressed in full riot gear.

If the controlled substance is an artificial sweetener, security should first lob in tear gas and then proceed with some sort of public beating. Ten hits for every packet of Splenda.

Getting back to the weapons problem, any and all utensils should be removed from the cafeteria. After all, based on this school's zero tolerance policy, there is little difference between a surface-to-air missile and a fork. So from now on the kids will eat with their hands, even if the meal that day is soup. Making them eat like household pets is a small price to pay for safety.

Wine column

My column about wine was just added to Wake Living magazine.

Mixed Messages

The other day on the show "The Doctors", they did a lengthy segment about eating healthy, about drastically cutting back on carbs, saturated fats and sugary foods. The first commercial after this was for IHOP. It was kind of like having a show dedicated to the bacon cheeseburger sponsored by the American Heart Association.

Never Mind Subtlety

We recently rented a beach house with my brother-in-law, John, and his family. John had my favorite line of the entire week. In explaining that we needed to buy more bottled water, he said that the tap water tasted "like dolphin piss."

(image copyright Microsoft clip art)

Wine: A Matter of Taste

Apparently I have bad taste in wine. At least, when other people taste the kind of wine I like, they usually get a look like they just stepped in something unpleasant. It's a look of genuine discomfort, one you would expect to be followed by someone saying, "I'm sorry about that. Our dog isn't house trained yet."

I like Merlot, a variety known for its deep red color and a taste dry enough to cause a loss of feeling in your appendages. Some bottles should come with a complimentary wheelchair or at least a warning that you should only drink it in the presence of a registered nurse.

WAITER: This is the 2006 from California's Sonoma region and this is Helen from County General.

The site Professional Friends of Wine says that, "Since Merlot both buds and flowers early, growers' main worry is susceptibility to shatter or coulure." I believe Shatter and Coulure were bands in the 80s, the kind that wore a lot of make-up and parachute pants. This would explain why they are listed as a "main worry." The site goes on to say that, "The berry of Merlot is relatively thin-skinned and somewhat prone to rot." The same could be said of a number of women in Hollywood, especially those who have had a lot of work done. Thus, when you see an actress whose face lift appears to have been done with a powerful air hose, the polite thing to say is that, like a Merlot berry, maybe she was destroyed by the elements.

My current favorite Merlot is from a label called "Barefoot". I believe the name is a reference to the historic technique of people pressing the wine grapes by stepping on them with their bare feet. Despite this nod to tradition, I have to say that the name is somewhat disgusting. After all, when I think of fine food and drinks, my first thought is not usually, "Let's find something that has been stepped on." It's like creating a gourmet burger and calling it "Meat I Ran Over with the Car". Still, I really like the taste of the Barefoot Merlot. Also, it only costs about $6. Thus I can get a entire bottle of wine for the same price as a Starbucks beverage. Of course, to be fair, at least Starbucks never suggests their coffee came in contact with their feet.

"Is your coffee fresh?"

"I just filtered it through my shoe five minutes ago."

(photo copyright Barefoot Cellars)

Wine Descriptions

Wines tend to be described with terms like "oakey", "complex", and "smooth finish". While I like these descriptions, sometimes I think they are a little vague.

"What's that wine like?"

"Gregarious."

It just seems like people could be a bit more specific.

"What's that wine like?"

"It's dry enough to make you temporarily crippled."

Chips Ahoy Cookies

I love Chips Ahoy cookies, even though they don't have the most natural ingredients in the world. In fact, I think they are only slightly more organic than my computer's hard drive.

Burnt Tongue

Yesterday I burned my tongue with some coffee. Afterward, it felt like there was a layer of gauze on top. You could have put a Brillo pad in my mouth and I might not have noticed for at least five minutes. Never mind pot holders. I could have removed baking sheets from the oven with my tongue. "Honey, if you need me, I'll be in the garage licking the car engine clean . . . while its running."

A Head for Marketing

From the blog mathewingram.com/work: "Dan Aykroyd has apparently launched a somewhat, er… unique vodka that comes in a glass skull. Yes, that’s right — a glass skull."

Yeah, I always love alcohol that you pour out of some skeleton's ocular cavity. And I'm looking forward to his guacamole served in a glass pelvis.