Nothing in Particular

Wendy's

Wendy's announced that it will be more humane to the chickens and pigs it uses. There's a more humane way to grill an animal and put it between two buns?

Colas

Colas are great-tasting beverages that look like the run-off from the work bay of a Jiffy Lube. As a result, in their ads Coke and Pepsi tend to emphasize the flavor. They use terms like “crisp” and “refreshing” rather than, say, “brown liquid”. Describing a drink as “brown liquid” does not make your mouth water. Instead it gives you the dry heaves. 

Refrigerators

We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual zone cooling, preservation unit.” Most of these names translate to “the bin where you keep meat”.

The Breakfast of Champions

Taco Bell announced that they will now have a breakfast menu. It will have a fun Spanish name that roughly translates to “intestinal explosion”.

Dressing Warning

A bottle of salad dressing that we bought has a bright orange sticker on it that says “Keep refrigerated at all times”. It suggests that the dressing won’t just go bad, but could actually detonate at some point. Suddenly it’s not a condiment, but some sort of IED. “Soldiers in Afghanistan have been warned to be on the lookout for bottles of Parmesan Ranch.”

“Keep refrigerated” means that the item could spoil if not kept cold. “Keep refrigerated at all times” means that you can only bring it to the table with the kind of portable coolers that they use for transporting donated organs. 

School Beverages

Some schools have banned soda in an effort to stop kids from drinking unhealthy beverages. However, studies have found that these same schools offer various fruit and sports drinks, which are only slightly more organic than pieces of Tupperware. To be fair, though, those beverages do use a number of natural ingredients in their packaging. In fact, when the label says that a juice drink will meet a certain percentage of your daily vitamin requirements, that only takes effect if you are willing to eat the container.

 

Hard Liquor Ads

Some of the magazines I get feature full page ads for hard liquor, types of alcohol that go beyond beer and wine and almost enter the category “liquids sold at Home Depot”. They are fluids that can get you intoxicated or be used for eating through rust.

It is kind of odd if only because these ads are in technology magazines. “Speaking of search engines, wouldn’t you like to be hammered right now?”

The ads usually try to make the liquor seem austere and dignified. However, these are not words that most people associate with, say, tequila. Based on what friends have told me, tequila is more often associated with terms like “regret” and “uncontrollable vomiting”. One ad for a brand of bourbon used words like “craft” and “artistry”. I’m not sure that those are the words that the doctor will use when he explains why you need a new liver.

These ads also show these bottles of liquor resting on a finely polished wood table, sometimes in a tastefully decorated office or personal library. Again, based on stories I have heard, a more accurate setting for the bottle would be on a stained carpet surrounded by various unconscious people, some of whom are bleeding. And there might be a warm glow to the setting, but that would coming from the couch in the background that is on fire.

 

Menus

It is considered kind of low class, but I appreciate when restaurants have menus that feature pictures of the food. To be honest, I would even be OK with drawings by police sketch artists. “Is this the entree that attacked you, ma’am?”

Fancy restaurants never have pictures. Instead fancy restaurants have lengthy, written descriptions printed in one of those fonts that hasn’t been used since the thirteenth century. It’s to the point where you can’t tell if you are looking at a list of appetizers or a reproduction of the Magna Carta.

 

Open The Flood Gates

(photo: Manuel Sanvictores)

This picture was taken by my friend Manuel at a 7-eleven. The second smallest cup is the Big Gulp. When I was growing up, this was the largest container of liquid that you could purchase without needing a truck driving license. Drinking one meant that you would not be able to leave the house for three days unless you had a catheter connected to a portable rain barrel.

Now it appears there are a few larger options. These are obviously for the person who wants to produce enough urine to put out a forest fire. I am not sure of the names for the new sizes. Some possibilities are:

> Self-Inflicted Tsunami

> Kidney Failure

> You Thought The BP Spill Was Big

> Biblical Flooding In A Cup

The Power of Cheese

As someone who has a lot of experience washing dishes, I can tell you that melted mozzarella has the adhesive strength of velcro covered in super glue. Cleaning it off of a fork involves hot water, soap, and a welding torch.