There is a fountain at one of our local malls that some parents let their kids play in. After all, what parent wouldn’t want his child to share a play area with migrating geese. It is a chance for the youngster to learn about water pressure, refracted light, and various strains of avian flu.
I saw a pest control company vehicle with a big sticker on the back that said “Hugs Not Drugs”. I guess they kill bugs with intense love. Never mind pesticides. They destroy roaches and insects with massive amounts of affection.
Thanks to the guy who came to our house the other day to pitch his company’s pest control service, I have learned some interesting sales techniques.
Sales Technique #1: Give the customer the kind of intense eye contact that suggests that you are not only listening to him, but that you are also wondering what it would be like to eat his internal organs.
Sales Technique #2: Act like the customer has already said he wants the service and press him to schedule a day and time. It is a pushy, deceptive style that clues the customer in to the fact that you might have restraining orders filed against you.
Sales Technique #3: Surprise the customer at his home. It is an effective tactic that for some reason is only used by serial killers.
Sales Technique #4: If the customer politely says no to your initial pitch, sweeten the deal by offering to throw in additional services. This will help the customer understand that you always hold something back and are not burdened by things like integrity. “We’ve eliminated ethics from our company and are passing the savings on to you.”
This week the Spider-Man Musical re-opened. Musicals are plays where the actors are afflicted with a condition that makes them sing all of their dialogue. “Yes, it did have a good beat. I just felt a little odd clapping along to a song about a colonoscopy.”
Musicals are created by people who have undergone years of intense training and education so that they have the intellect and skill necessary to add dance routines to what were once Disney films. “I don’t remember Jiminy Cricket doing so much pelvic thrusting in the movie.”
I have a watch with a silver, metal band. “The cops only removed one handcuff?” I like it a lot, even though it has a loose fit. Some days it feels like I am trying to wear an inner tube. Throughout the day it slides up and down my arm. I worry that over time it is going to sand down my arm to the point where it looks like my hand is attached to a pool cue. “That is the worst prosthetic limb I have ever seen. Did you get that at Wal-Mart?”
The problem is that the links in the band are an odd shape. When I had the store take out a row, it made the watch a little on the tight side, like it was no longer just a watch, but a really stylish tourniquet. “It’s 3:15 and the bleeding has slowed.”