Nothing in Particular

Back Problems

I injured one of my back muscles. As a result, I feel intense pain whenever I do something extreme, like pick up a cracker or inhale. It feels like someone is casually trying to change the configuration of internal organs with the claw end of a hammer.

Walking

I would like to lose weight by walking. Given my eating habits, though, this might require me to walk every day from my house to, say, Poland.

Sign

I saw this sign in a hospital. I think it means, "Warning: Patients may be overwhelmed with the urge to slide into home."

Bad Cold

I have one of those colds where I sound like a bullfrog with emphysema. I’m not so much a man as a swamp-dwelling creature that became a chain smoker. “The x-rays suggest that your gills are covered in tar.”

In addition to the raspy voice, I am also coughing with enough force to pull a muscle in someone else’s back. In fact, I am starting to think that in the story of “The Three Little Pigs”, the Big Bad Wolf just had an extreme cold and was going door to door looking for cough suppressants. In my current state I think that I could accidentally blow down a house made of straw, bricks, or even the kind of reinforced steel usually reserved for military vessels.

 

Sneezing

Every so often I have these massive sneezing fits. It’s one of the reasons that I should never work for the bomb squad. “Are you supposed to say gesundheit when someone explodes like that?”

 

Toothpicks

Occasionally I will see people cleaning their teeth with a toothpick after a meal at a restaurant. These are often refined, well-dressed people who, for some reason, still like to practice prehistoric dental care. Clearly they do not do everything the old fashioned way. After all, it is obvious that their clothes have been dry cleaned and not, say, beaten against a rock. However, when it comes to oral hygiene, they seem to pass over any modern inventions in favor of pointed sticks. And maybe they are like this at home as well. “Toothbrush? No, son. Just use these sharpened slivers of wood.”

-----

New book - "Staying Crazy To Keep From Going Insane"

 

Electric Shavers

For years I have used an electric razor, which is basically a motorized lemon zester. Although they are used to shave beards, it is possible that they were originally created to shave selections of citrus. I recently bought a new one that does not seem capable of either. It’s like they went overboard with the safety features so that it does not cut anything. “Our latest model was specially designed to just make a minor buzzing sound.”

Shampoo Ingredients

We bought a new shampoo to use on our son. On the front it says “98% natural”, which is more than can be said for some people I have met. “That lady appears to have had some work done to her by a plastic surgeon . . . or an auto repair specialist. It’s tough to say.”

Strangely, though, the front label of the shampoo bottle does not go on to address the rest of the ingredients. So we are just left to guess at the possibilities:
> 2% unnatural
> 2% material patented by Liquid Plumr
> 2% whatever the county doesn’t allow us to dump on public land
> 2% (and this is just a coincidence) I can’t believe it’s not Butter!

(Photo: coolmathteacher)

---

Sponsor Cris' upcoming book, support a charity and promote you or your company for just $35.

Cris Recruits A Company

 

Colon Screenings

A newspaper headline said “Many elderly get colon screening too often”. Admittedly that is not a problem that I saw coming. “Earl, I know they’re fun, but you’ve really got to ease up on the colon screenings.” I thought that when you got old you gravitated toward activities like reading and playing cards, hobbies that did not involve being violated by a doctor at any point. Not unless the card game “Go Fish” has changed dramatically over the years.

“Do you have any kings?”

“No. Remove your pants.”

Colon exams usually involve having a camera inserted into your behind. “I think you blinked during that last shot.” It is difficult to believe that people would have that procedure more often than suggested. In fact, it is hard to believe that people would have that procedure without first being threatened with a flame thrower. And what places are offering all these extra screenings? “The new Early Bird Special at Denny’s includes one entree, your choice of soup or salad, and an invasive medical procedure involving your rectum.”

 

Teeth Whitening

There are a number of products on the market designed to make your teeth whiter. Although they go by different names, most fall under the category of “edible paint”. Using them is not much different than rinsing your mouth out with a product from Sherwin-Williams. There is a very thin line between using the whitening products they sell in the dental section of the drug store and just sitting down in your kitchen with a bucket of acrylic latex and a spoon.

Some of the whitening products are applied by lining your teeth with what appears to be Scotch tape. These are called “strips” because they seem to strip away layers of bone and enamel. If accidentally dropped on the floor, these strips can rip out whole sections of tile. In fact, whitening strips are now the preferred tool of road crews who need to tunnel through pavement. Sure, they bring out the big machines to make it look good, but really they just grab some protective goggles and a box with the Crest logo on it.

More than a few times I have heard of instances where someone left the whitening strips on his teeth too long and, as a result, suffered several hours of severe pain. As a result, there is a good chance that teeth whitening will replace waterboarding as the preferred method of questioning terrorists. Pretty soon people held captive in Guantanamo Bay will have some of the most dazzling teeth in the Western Hemisphere.

“Wow, Steve. Your teeth look fantastic. What’s your secret?”

“I accidentally brought a sharp object onto a commercial airliner.”