Nothing in Particular

Lack of coverage

I think I am being mocked by our own backyard. The grass growth back there can best be described as a garden version of male pattern baldness. It's to the point where, instead of seeds and fertilizer, I'm thinking we should start using Propecia. "I'm not just the owner of the 'Lawn Club for Men.' I'm also a client."

Closing Costs

Madoff houses go up for sale. Buyers insist seller's real estate agent pays for exorcism.

Blowin' in the Wind

In preparation for Fall, we bought a new leaf blower, one that seems to have more power than my car. I worry that if I point it the wrong way I could move the house off its foundation. And that's on the lowest setting. Make a mistake on "high" and the second floor could be suddenly out on the curb with the recycling. That would be more than a little awkward. Never mind the repair work. Imagine having to explain to our son why the men from Waste Management took his bedroom away. "Well, to be fair, you do spend most of your time downstairs anyway."

Green For Green

We just had sod put in at our house. As I tell people, I went to college and even worked in radio for a few years, but this is the first time I have ever paid for grass.

Gazebo

Our new backyard has a gazebo, which I think means "small, unstable structure that leads to lawsuits." And actually, I've worked with some people who could be described the same way.

My only prior knowledge of gazebos comes from watching "The Sound of Music." As a result, I feel like we are supposed to decorate it with young Austrian people who sing to each other. However, I'm not sure they would be covered under the home warranty. I also haven't seen them for sale at Lowe's. "Chipper Eastern Europeans? Try aisle 15."