Nothing in Particular

Honesty

I worry that one day people are going to start being brutally honest with me, saying things like, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to return your phone call, but I don’t like talking with you.”

Personality Tests

As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether you are extroverted, introverted, creative, analytical, lactose intolerant, Asian … They get a strange amount of information out of some multiple choice questions. “Based on your answers to the questions about justice, we believe that you have a low sperm count.”

Most questions are fairly straight forward. “When you have free time, would you rather sit and read or steal a city transit bus?” Some are a little more esoteric. “True or false: The current economic crisis is best represented by a medium-sized zucchini.”

Somehow, with a few questions like these, the creators of the test can look into your soul. 

“Thank you for completing the test. We have alerted the authorities.”

“What? Wait! Can I change my answer about mufflers?”

Umbrellas

The umbrella is an amazing invention. It shields people from the rain while also giving them the opportunity to accidentally impale complete strangers.

“Singing in the rain …”

“Oh God! My eye!”

“...I’m singing in the rain …”

“The blood! All the blood!”

Tired

Our child woke up multiple times last night. As a result, my wife and I are slightly less coherent than someone who has been anesthetized. In fact, you could probably perform major surgery on us and we wouldn’t notice for at least a half an hour. “How long has my chest cavity been open like that?” And maybe small hospitals can use this technique in emergency situations. “Unfortunately our anesthesiologist is out of town, so we are going to prep you for the operation by having you spend the night with our sleep deprivation expert. Bring in little Timmy.”

 

Clanging in the new year

My new column is up on the website of the Cary Citizen.

Sleep Deprivation

Our child has been waking up several times a night. As a result, we are a little sleep deprived and might accidentally back our car over one of the neighbors.

“Did I hit the trash can again?”

“I don’t think trash cans scream or spurt blood.”

 

Am I Really Here?

Because of movies like “The Sixth Sense”, whenever I wave my hand in front of a restroom’s automated towel dispenser and nothing happens, I worry that I might be dead. And at that moment I am both sad that I died and sad that my last experience on Earth was standing at a urinal.

 

Nosebleed

Our son had a massive nosebleed yesterday. It was the kind that makes you reach for not just tissues, but towels . . . and a bucket. At one point I wondered why we had never put a drain in the living room floor.

We had a hard time believing that it was just a nosebleed. Based on the volume, it seemed more plausible that someone had fired an arrow into one of his nostrils. Although, it’s rare that we come across an archery tournament in our own home.

 

Postcards

Postcards are a simple, yet decorative way to mock people who are not on vacation with you. With just a single piece of paper and a small amount of postage, you can take a tropical paradise and shove it in someone else’s face. Some people think that you send postcards to brighten a friend’s day. But a friend’s day is not brightened by a reminder that he is not in Hawaii. A friend’s day would be brightened if you sent a postcard showing you being violated by airport security.

 

Parking

Some people always back their vehicles into parking spaces. To store owners this sends the friendly message, “I might be about to rob you.” You can put the clerk even more at ease by asking if they sell ski masks and hand guns. It is also polite to show an interest in him or her by asking questions like “Do you think you could fit in the trunk of my car?”