Not knowing how else to write, many business reporters now just spend every day comparing other companies to Apple. “Despite claims that they were innovating, Burger King has yet to come up with a rival to the iPad.” Part of this stems from a desire to have their stories rank high in search results. This is how random references to Apple’s operating system end up in stories about the rising price of rectal creams. Of course, another possibility is that Apple now pays for product placements in news pieces. “The iPhone still outsells any offerings from Smith Brothers Industrial Rototillers.”
“60 Minutes” ran a story about how senators and congressmen regularly engage in insider trading. I believe this is referred to as “investing in America” or “pillaging”. This practice was first developed by the Vikings, who, after “investing” in a local economy, would return to their ships with untold riches and the occasional severed head. Now in modern times, after “investing”, legislators return to their offices with an impressive stock portfolio … and the occasional severed head.
To be fair, though, these special stock tips are the only ways that senators and congressmen know how to vote on bills that come before them. Federal leaders tend not to understand issues, laws, or anything more complicated than a short dinner menu. “When asked for his viewpoint on the staggering economic gap that exists in this country, the senator replied, ‘I’ll have the salmon.’”
When a bill is first introduced, it is explained to members of Congress in ways that they will understand. This usually involves some sort of cartoon or, at the very least, sock puppets. The individual legislators then ruminate on this bill until they either run out of alcohol or pass out. It is an intense process that involves deep soul searching. At least that is the reason given by most spokespeople when asked why a Representative woke up on the floor of his office covered in his own urine.
If it weren’t for insider trading, this kind of debate could rage on indefinitely, leading to a legislative shut down and a number of liver transplants. Thankfully, though, a congressional aid can just tell his boss how he or she could make a lot of money from this and that person will immediately be ready to vote. This is how the wheels of progress move forward and how a senator making $100,000 a year can suddenly afford a house the size of Argentina.
Insider trading: It is the foundation of capitalism and democracy. And it is why, if you ever visit your congressman’s office, you should not be surprised if you see a severed head on his bookshelf.
A newspaper headline said “'Luxury gun lounge' to open in Las Vegas”. This is in response to the number of individuals who wished they could shoot at people in a really nice setting. After all, nowadays many people only discharge their weapons in parking structures and mobile homes. While these are traditional places to exchange gun fire with family and gang members, people often complain about the decor. This new lounge will offer the discerning repeat offender a setting where he or she can shoot to kill while surrounded by fine furnishings and a warm color palette.
Today on the news a couple announced that they were pregnant with their 20th child. Apparently collecting stamps just didn’t do it for them. And I can understand wanting a hobby where you get to make things on your own, but after the fifth or sixth child, what about switching to bird houses, scarves, or something that at least doesn’t involve the use of forceps?
When a hurricane hits, TV news crews jump into action. It is a unique opportunity for them to cover dramatic events as they happen and to see how close they can come to killing the weatherman without being sued. “Mitch, we would like you to report from the end of the pier while strapped to this large sail.” After all, nothing conveys the intensity of the storm better than shots of a grown man about to be swept out to sea. “Channel 5 congratulates our own weatherman, Skip Jones, on his TV award for Best Location Reporting. The certificate will be presented to his widow tomorrow afternoon.”
Economists sometimes refer to the current recession as a malaise, which I believe is a type of heavy, breakfast condiment. “Yes, waiter, I’ll have the Eggs Benedict with the malaise sauce.” I am guessing that they use the term “malaise” because it sounds less shocking than “extreme beating” or “catastrophe”. It doesn’t seem to fit the situation, though. When you misplace a $20, you experience a malaise. When you misplace the entire US economy, you experience cold sweats, violent nausea, and a look of shock usually only seen on drivers who barely missed being in a head on collision.
The state of Ohio now allows people to carry concealed weapons in bars, malls, stadiums, and, most importantly, museums. This is in reaction to the public outcry from people who feel unsafe and threatened by a number of post-impressionist exhibits. “Authorities are saying that the woman was beaten and robbed by an early Van Gogh painting.”