This morning on TV a man recounted how doctors told him that his wife would probably die within a week. The reporter then asked the man how that made him feel. I don’t mean to suggest that I have special, psychic abilities, but I already guessed that the man felt sad about this. Apparently the answer was not that obvious to the reporter. “Join me next week for my nine part series entitled ‘Ice: Do people think it is cold?’”
Obviously, though, this woman was an experienced and gifted journalist. “Were you happy when your house burned down?” That’s why she was on a major network newscast. “Do you wish you hadn’t lost your arm in that freak toaster accident?” You don’t reach such career heights without developing the ability to ask insightful, hard-hitting questions. “If you had to do it all over again, would you have made sure the safety was on before jokingly pointing the gun at your groin region?”
According to a story in the news, an undercover TSA agent was able to repeatedly go through full body scanning machines at the airport without any of the personnel noticing that she had a gun hidden in her underwear. I am hoping for their sake that it was at least a small gun and not, say, a hunting rifle.
After all, there might be a situation where it would be completely understandable for someone to not notice that a traveler’s underwear contained a small firearm. Maybe Hanes has a new line of briefs decorated with drawings compact pistols. “So the next time you remove your pants at an NRA convention...”
However, I can’t think of a scenario where you could legitimately not notice that someone had a shotgun in his shorts. “Agents first became suspicious when they noticed an ammunition clip protruding from the suspect’s zipper.”
The Seattle Times Editorial board posted a piece arguing for the legalization of marijuana. The board weighed all of the factors and then decided that, although this could be a controversial decision, the legalization of marijuana would allow for some “bitchin’ office parties.” Next week’s editorial: The benefits of hookers in the workplace.
From the blog Hot Air comes the headline "Group raises $50,000+ for Robocop statue in Detroit". I'm not sure that is what that city needs to get itself back on its feet again. It would kind of be like trying to quell the tensions in the Middle East by building a small, decorative sun dial.
The other day a Congressman resigned when a topless photo of himself was posted on the Internet. A married man, he had emailed the picture to a woman he met on craigslist. “Lady seeks stripper / filibuster.” Saddest of all is that we will never see the campaign slogans that could have resulted from this. “Re-elect me and the pants come off as well.” “Is that a banana in my pocket or am I happy to legislate for you?”
A headline in the paper read “Who is the 'Most Desirable Woman' of 2011?” There are times I would have answered that with “Any woman who can remind me where I parked my car.” I think the article was referring to physical beauty. But in reality there are many days when high cheek bones and full lips take second place to a talent for vehicle location.