A number of people now wear wristbands that have magnets in them. I am guessing that the magnets are not that strong. Otherwise you would regularly see someone being dragged behind a bus. “Unfortunately I got stuck to a Greyhound. That driver didn’t pull over until West Virginia.”
A newspaper headline said “Diabetes Drug Dapagliflozin Rejected by F.D.A. Panel”. It is possible that there was nothing wrong with the drug, but that the panel thought that Dapagliflozin was the dumbest name they have ever seen. For one thing, it does not sound like a real word as much as a noise that someone made while choking on a large piece of melon. This is not a name that you give to a serious medicine created to save people’s lives. This is a name that you give to a cartoon character who has a speech impediment.
A book I am reading has the sentence “The planets farther from the Sun are the jovian planets, or gas giants.” These planets were given this name because they have a tendency to consume unusually large quantities of cabbage and re-fried beans. Along similar lines, it is common to find human jovians in fast food restaurants and in the restrooms of most major sports arenas.
Our son has various chemical sensitivities. For instance, he gets really loopy when he is around someone who wears a lot of perfume or cologne. This is because the average perfume is about two electrons away from being enriched plutonium. It is not natural. In fact, it is possible that most perfumes are the result of failed nuclear experiments. A terror cell tries building a dirty bomb, something goes wrong, and suddenly they have created Channel No. 5.
(This is an entry in the contest to win the new book from Dave Barry.)
by Larry (call me Bubba) McNair
My daily walk around Orcas Island here in the balmy NW has shown up oodles of smashed slugs littering the pavements edge. I shudder to think of the potential bicyclers injuries upon slipping on one. Checking with a resident biologist from UDub, I find there is a road-crossing penchant among slugs similar to some chickens, particularly with the yellow-spotted slug which is facing endangerment from pavement and the consumption of beer and pesticides in use by some un-eco-friendly garden people. I presented a partial solution to our County Council to remove strategic portions of pavement back to the natural dirt road to thwart the suicidal impulse of slugs. They have come back with an enhanced version to construct fourteen overpass-bridges. Their plan also keep county road department personnel busy.
The other night we had to stop the kids’ baseball games early because of lightening. “We were having a lot of fun . . . right up until that assistant coach exploded.” In movies like “The Natural”, lightening during baseball games can be really magical. In real life, lightening during baseball games is a potentially fatal science experiment. “While bolts of electricity were randomly striking the earth, we had Mikey walk out onto the field holding this metal bat.” Not that it couldn’t be educational. But it seems like there are better ways to learn about both the flow of current and the role of the Paramedics in society.
Stores now carry a variety of anti-bacterial soaps. This is as opposed to the large number of pro-bacterial soaps on the market. And that distinction is key. If a soap is not labeled "anti-bacterial", it could be a carrier of bacteria, rabies, computer viruses, and an IRS audit.
I have no idea what this one medication is for, mainly because, during the TV commercial, they mention the possible side effect of "trouble passing urine" about 75 times. At this point they might as well make that the name of the product. "Tell your doctor you want Trouble Passing Urine." That's all people are going to remember anyway. "Beta Pharmaceuticals proudly gives you Trouble Passing Urine."
Although I have been living here in the East for a year, I'm still
surprised how intense the humidity can get. In the summer the air is
almost a solid. At the very least it is a kind of thick liquid, like
the oxygen you normally experience has been replaced with some sort of
clear hair gel. California has extra light air, the Midwest has average
air, and the East Coast has something made by Vidal Sassoon. "Today's
air quality: Firm Hold." I've eaten Jell-O molds that were less dense
than the air out here.
And yet, there is something comforting about it. It's like a big soft blanket, like my grandma knitted an atmosphere.
"Do you need to borrow a jacket?"
"No thanks. I brought my humidity."
the grandmother reference isn't that far off. My mom and I used to
spend every August with my grandparents in upstate New York. So the
humidity brings back some nice childhood memories and the occasional
sweat stains. To me, humidity is a symbol of fun, family, days with no
schedules, and stores cold enough to preserve dead fish.
effort to combat the heat and humidity of summer, a number of
establishments in the East set their thermostats to "Antarctica." For
some reason they like an ambiance that you would not describe as
"comfortable" or even "a little cool", but more like "a numbness in
your extremities." It's the middle of July and you will be in a
restaurant freezing to death. You're ordering spicy shrimp with hot
coffee. You offer the waiter an extra $20 if he will let you set fire
to the table.
Movie theaters are the same way. They should
hand out those emergency survival suits they give to Alaskan fishermen.
It's not that I want to watch a film while in a sauna. I just think the
air conditioning should not be so powerful that it slows my heart rate
to the point where it's a cryogenics experiment.
"When science discovers a cure for your disease, we will thaw you out and bring you back to life."
"All I said was that I had a receding hairline."
I ever met someone who was training to hike Everest, I would suggest
that he or she first try climbing to the top row of seats during the
matinee. It's not that steep, but the rapidly dropping temperature is a
good test of your equipment, your resolve, and your willingness to
continue even when a limb snaps off. The snack bar should offer
popcorn, M&Ms, and rentals of Sherpa guides.
spending a couple of hours in places like those, you welcome the
humidity when you finally get outside. It's the warmest, most
comforting hair gel you have ever inhaled in your life.