Nothing in Particular

Wal-Mart Caskets

Top 10 Slogans for Wal-Mart's New Line of Caskets:

10 - Now with free flame decals.

9 - Also great for serving dip.

8 - I can't believe it's not cardboard.

7 - Some assembly required.

6 - Conveniently located next to the frozen meats.

5 - It's like you've died and gone to . . . well, Wal-Mart.

4 - The new easy-lock lids seal in the freshness.

3 - Never mind that they look a lot like our large, party coolers.

2 - Try our new 2-for-1 special.

1 - This Christmas get grandma something she can use.

Health Care Reform

Top 5 New Provisions In Your HMO Plan This Year:

5 - Your annual hernia exam will now be performed by prison inmates.

4 - The only prescription drugs they now cover are sold by some guy named "El Hefe" from the back of his van.

3 - Mental health coverage to be replaced by Captain Morgan sampler pack.

2 - After three days in the hospital, your insurance company can "vote you off the island" if you know what I mean.

1 - Three words . . . "Coin Operated Respirator"

Cash For Clunkers

Top Five Statements Heard During Cash For Clunkers Trade-Ins:

5. Yes, I realize that he's unreliable and has a lot of gas emissions, but I'm afraid we can't take the senator.

4. The car looks OK, Mr. Gambino, but can you explain the muffled screams coming from the trunk?

3. Oh. I thought "clunkers" was a new menu item at Dunkin Donuts.

2. Yes, sir, I know the name of the program sounds like a strip club featuring overweight women, but please stop waiving dollar bills at our receptionist.

1. That deal is only good at car dealerships, ma'am. The plastic surgeon won't accept your Oldsmobile.

New Laws

Top 5 New Laws Taking Effect This Year:

• If a celebrity carries a small dog with her everywhere she goes, both must be spayed.

• For every cent gas prices go up, oil company executives must be given a proctology examination. (Also known as the "Feeling it at the pump" law)

• Registered sex offenders must alert the authorities not only when they move but also when their term in Congress begins.

• Anyone caught using a cell phone in a movie theater can be physically beaten by the rest of the audience.

• Fashion models must now weigh more than they did at birth.

San Francisco Mayor

Top 5 Slogans for Gavin Newsom's Re-Election Campaign:

• In an effort to legitimize gay marriage, I will also commit adultery with someone who is homosexual.

• I intend to be hands on in promoting safe sex.

• Now blood tested after every staff meeting.

• Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask when your husband will be out of town again.

• I treat your family as if they were my own.

American Idol

Top 5 Alternate Names for the TV Show "American Idol":

• "We're not laughing with you. We're laughing at you."

• "Guess which judges are sober"

• "English guy makes people cry"

• "When your family said you talent, they were lying"

• "You didn't watch your high school talent show. Why would you watch this?"

Cold Front

Top 5 Good Things About the North East Cold Snap:

• Older relatives age slower if you put them outside for several hours

• Presidential candidates' empty promises sound more entertaining when their teeth are chattering

• Because of need to wear more, teenage girls don't look as much like prostitutes

• You can make room in your freezer by storing meat on your front porch

• Ice skating on interstate highways

Campaign Slogans

Top Five Campaign Slogans for the Upcoming Elections:

5 - John Smith: Proudly acquitted 3 times.

4 - John Smith: He checks IDs before soliciting young boys.

3 - John Smith: Sometimes he is for the war. Sometimes he is against it.

2 - John Smith: He'll work to screw over the other states.

1 - John Smith: Backed by celebrities you can't stand.

Waiter

The Top Five Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Waiter:

5 - I know it looks bad, but the doctor said I am no longer infectious.

4 - You know, that story in the newspaper about our health code violations was really overblown.

3 - In an effort to be more environmentally conscious, we no longer wash the forks.

2 - I'm sorry about the mess. I thought we'd gotten rid of all the crime scene tape.

1 - No, those aren't new drapes in front of the kitchen. They're fumigating.

High School Reunion

Yesterday we went to my wife's 20th High School Reunion, which caused me to wonder what would be...

The Top Five Most Shocking Things to Hear at Your High School Reunion:

5 - Let me introduce you to my wives.

4 - I tried to stay in touch with some people, but they filed restraining orders.

3 - One reason you may not recognize me is that back then I was a man.

2 - I'm sorry about the beeping sound. It's the ankle bracelet I'm required to wear.

1 - I probably should have told you right after the prom, but you might want to get yourself tested.