Nothing in Particular

iPhone

Based on what I have seen with other people, now that I have an iPhone, I will probably never look anyone in the eye again. Most likely I will use it at parties, in restaurants, during jury duty.

“I can’t believe you used your phone through the entire funeral.”

“We all grieve in different ways.”

 

Business Articles

Not knowing how else to write, many business reporters now just spend every day comparing other companies to Apple. “Despite claims that they were innovating, Burger King has yet to come up with a rival to the iPad.” Part of this stems from a desire to have their stories rank high in search results. This is how random references to Apple’s operating system end up in stories about the rising price of rectal creams. Of course, another possibility is that Apple now pays for product placements in news pieces. “The iPhone still outsells any offerings from Smith Brothers Industrial Rototillers.”

 

Dating Websites

A morning news show reported the other day that people who use online dating websites sometimes lie, which I am sure was shocking news to at least five people. From what I have heard, lying on dating websites is pretty common. “I understand that women sometimes fib a little about their age, but you were off by 62 years.” It is to the point where you should not be surprised if the man you scheduled a date with turns out to actually be a large badger. “I did a little airbrushing with my photo.”

 

Social Networks

Nowadays, many companies are building their own online social networks. “We think our new social network is a natural expansion of our line of flavored mustards.” In an effort to differentiate themselves from Facebook, most are designing their social networks to be for special niches. “Sure Facebook is good. But where do people go when they want to connect with others in the heroin trade?” Although, I think some try for niches that are a little too narrow, like social networks designed only for people who like re-creating the Harry Potter movies with an assortment of vegetables. “Have you longed to connect with other people who feel that Lord Voldemort is best represented by a large zucchini...”

Laptop Touchpad

It can be difficult to appear manly while using a laptop’s touchpad, that square section below the keyboard that you use instead of a mouse. It kind of forces you to use light, flowing movements, like you are trying to recreate an ice skating routine with just your fingers. “Either Dave is scrolling through a website or he has finally perfected that Triple Lutz.”

Even when you are not moving the cursor, though, you tend to let your hand hang limply in mid air. “Hey, Rick. Having flashbacks to your last manicure?” It’s not a masculine hand position. Masculine hand positions involve gripping a baseball bat, a steering wheel, or something that has a trigger and a three-day waiting period.

Skype Sounds

I learned last night that, if you have a not-so-clear Skype conversation going and a motorcycle drives by at your friend’s location, it sounds like a water buffalo with intestinal problems.

“Yes, the weather here has been...”

Bwaaaaaaaa

“I told you not to feed Bessy that chili.”

 

Extreme Typo

Once, when visiting a website, I accidentally typed my password in the username box. I immediately experienced the kind of panic you would expect after noticing your pants were on fire. Seeing your password in legible text on a computer screen is more than a little scary. In fact, it’s worthy of the warnings they use for pharmaceutical products. “May cause blurred vision, nausea, complete loss of bowel control...”

criscohen.typepad.com

Cell -ebration

Besides actually getting service (a dream), a really cool cell phone would be able to ______.

Cell phones

Clearly tech companies want to eventually create a cell phone that can do everything. "Nurse, give me the cell phone. I'm ready to disimpact this man's bowels." I just wonder if they will keep adding features, even when those additions only appeal to a small number of people. "Our latest model has voice recognition and can give laser eye surgery to sheep."

Google Car

From the NY Times - "Google has been working on vehicles that can drive themselves, using software that can . . . mimic decisions made by a human driver." I've known some human drivers who have almost parked their vehicles in the middle of a salad bar. Maybe Google should aim higher.