Nothing in Particular

Flip Flops

I’m still trying to get used to wearing flip-flops, which were named after people with inconsistent voting records. They don’t feel like footwear as much as something a neighbor made out of discarded tire treads. And I don’t mean a clever, enterprising neighbor. I mean that guy down the street whose house will probably one day be surrounded by crime scene tape and cadaver dogs. 

Coffee

For the longest time I had no interest in coffee. Now I consider it only slightly less important than air.

Summer Heat

In the summer I spend a lot of time covered in sweat. Even after playing outside with my son for only a half an hour, I look like I just finished a waterboarding session. 

Carbs

At some point during the past decade, bread became the most dangerous substance on the planet. Based on what fitness experts say, it is better for you to experiment with meth than baked goods.

4th of July

History: During the summer of 1776 , July 4th festivities included concerts, bonfires, parades and the firing of cannons, most which were purchased at freeway offramps.

Backing In

Every so often I see people who insist on backing into a parking space. It’s a preference of people who either see themselves as very important or who are planning to rob one of the shops. Either way, police would be justified in shooting out their tires.

Theoretically the drivers want to leave the parking space very quickly. If nothing else, they need to make up for the two hours it took them to back in.

“One more turn and I should have it.”

“Honey, the store closed 45 minutes ago.”

 

New Diet

Redecorating

We are having our master bathroom re-done. When you make these kinds of changes to a bathroom, it is called “redecorating”. When a person makes these kind of changes, it is called “cosmetic surgery”. Although, both procedures involve the use of grout.

With redecorating, you usually get a room that is prettier. With cosmetic surgery, you usually get a person whose skin appears to have been pulled back by a team of oxen.

 

Political Ads

It would be nice if the messages at the end of political ads had to be honest about the people who paid for them. "This ad was sponsored by people with a lot of money and an extreme agenda."

Carolina Parent Magazine

I am proud to say that my first column for Carolina Parent Magazine is in the current issue.