Nothing in Particular

Kay Jewelers

Kay Jewelers has the slogan “Every kiss begins with Kay,” which is a nice way of saying, “You can buy her love.” In fact, it suggests that you have to. “Women who wear Kay jewelry only give affection once you’ve crossed the $150 mark.” Maybe they should change their slogan to “Kay Jewelers: Every kiss begins with a payment plan.”

Vodka And Charity

A vodka ad in a magazine said that buying their product would help support a charity. That could really blur the line between philanthropists and alcoholics. “I raised several thousand dollars for charity before my liver gave out.”

They should be given credit, though, for finding a way to put addiction to good use. We can only hope that other groups follow their example. “The Medellin drug cartel announced that December 5th through the 9th they would donate half the profits from all coke sales to charity. So next week remember to lend a nose and snort for the less fortunate.”

The ad featured a picture of a pop music star and the quote, “We’re really making a difference and so can you.” I guess that won out over the slogan “Turn your drinking problem into a drinking solution.” Although, maybe they should have appealed to people’s willingness to sacrifice. “For the cost of just one hangover and a night of vomiting, you can help a worthy cause.”

Advertising

Advertisers use technology to gather as much data as possible about your habits and preferences. In this way they hope to blur the line between themselves and the kind of people who would take your family hostage. In fact, most advertising agencies will not hire someone unless he has at least three restraining orders against him. These companies want to explore the minds of consumers with a thoroughness that is illegal in very country except North Korea.

 

Workaround Advertising

Network TV shows are looking for ways to be edgier, but they also want to increase advertising. The solution? Swear word product placements. Some dialogue suggestions:

> “What a bunch of mother-Smuckers.”

> “I think he is full of Kraft.”

Coffee Commercial

I saw a coffee commercial where a woman is first shown taking some sips from a cup and then is next shown running a marathon. I’m not sure that I want a coffee that is strong enough to be banned by the Olympic Committee. In the morning I just want a little pick me up, not the beverage equivalent of PCP. “After trying that new coffee, I found that I could not go to sleep before, say, June.”

 

All-Purpose Storage

We bought a box of resealable plastic bags that said “all-purpose storage” on it. It’s the kind of term that suggests that you could use them to hold either pieces of fruit or plutonium. “There was a leak in the main reactor. Luckily we had these small plastic bags on hand.” It just seems like kind of a broad statement.

“And for all-purpose storage we have these bags.”

“Thank God. My garage is full and I have been looking for a place to put my old Buick.”

 

Makeup Lies

Two makeup advertisements featuring actress Julia Roberts and model Christy Turlington were banned in England. I guess this means that the police can now arrest people who are in possession of either heroin or the new issue of “Good Housekeeping”. A newspaper article said, “The Advertising Standards Authority found that the airbrushed images used by L'Oreal in magazine ad campaigns exaggerated the results women could expect from using the beauty products.” Perhaps the make-up company could just put a warning label on the ads. “Warning: Although our products are good, a little bit of foundation will not make you look like Julia Roberts if you are obese, unattractive, a man...”

Or they could just be more open and honest in the ads. “These results can only be achieved by using both our makeup and the kind of computer graphics software used in making the ‘Transformers’ movies.”

 

Memorial Day Weekend

Almost every business has a Memorial Day sale. “This weekend honor those who died for our country by saving 20% on all latex paints.” Theoretically there are some businesses that don’t try to cash in on the holiday. “Treat yourself this Memorial Day at Liposuction Emporium!” I just have trouble finding them. “This weekend it’s our All American Spay And Neuter Service!”

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Cris Recruits A Company

Funeral Home

The other day in the newspaper there was an ad for a funeral home. It had a picture of a woman with a huge smile. “Blake Mortuary: We can’t wait for you to die!” She just seemed unusually happy to be burying people. “Stevens Funeral Home: No one is more excited about your impending death than we are!”

If they have ads like this, I’m guessing they also send out marketing materials. “Take advantage of our Memorial Day Weekend Special and kill yourself this Friday!” Maybe even coupons. “Hey, Stan. Check this out. This is the strangest buy-one-get-one-free offer I’ve ever seen.”

 

Watch Ads

Some of the magazines I get have ads for watches, ones that cost more than my car. Apparently someone thought that, after paying $12 for a one year subscription, I would next want to spend my entire savings on a small, portable clock. It’s kind of like putting a Porsche ad in with a newspaper’s Sunday coupons section. “I hadn’t thought of buying a luxury sports car, but yesterday while I was cutting out a two-for-one special on canned soup...”