Nothing in Particular

Redecorating

We are having our master bathroom re-done. When you make these kinds of changes to a bathroom, it is called “redecorating”. When a person makes these kind of changes, it is called “cosmetic surgery”. Although, both procedures involve the use of grout.

With redecorating, you usually get a room that is prettier. With cosmetic surgery, you usually get a person whose skin appears to have been pulled back by a team of oxen.

 

Refrigerators

We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual zone cooling, preservation unit.” Most of these names translate to “the bin where you keep meat”.

Dinner Guests

Like many people, we enjoy having friends over for dinner because it forces us to clean the house.

“We really need to mop the floors.”

“OK. I’ll see if the Millers are free Saturday night.”

There is just something about knowing that people will be visiting your home that makes you suddenly very motivated to organize and remove clutter. “I understand that you wanted the living room to look its best, but you still shouldn’t have thrown out my mother’s dialysis machine.”

 

Spiders

This month's column for the Cary Citizen is now live.

Power Sprayer

The other day my wife accidentally hit her own leg with the power sprayer. It is a miracle that her foot is still attached as opposed to, say, in Georgia. A power sprayer is basically a hose hooked up to a small engine. That extra power gives the water enough pressure to push a dump truck uphill. We have been using the power sprayer to clean our driveway, which has the kind of ground in dirt that cannot be removed with a regular hose or even small explosives. My wife, Michele, suffered extreme pain and some minor bleeding. So really it was not that different from when some family members visit.

 

Rabbit Repellent

My wife bought a spray to keep rabbits from eating our plants. The bottle had a picture of a smiling bunny, though. If the product is a rabbit repellent, shouldn’t the bunny at least be frowning? If I am choosing a rabbit repellent, I’m not going to pick the one with the overjoyed bunny on the bottle. I am going to choose the one that shows a rabbit bent over vomiting or one whose paws are on fire like he was just scorched by holy water.

 

Pool Toys

I have noticed that a number of pool toys are designed to get people wet, people who are already almost completely submerged in water. “I dodged the sprayer by diving into the deep end.” It would be like having guns that were made to fire compressed air at people while they are skydiving. As a result, many pool toys are kind of redundant to the entire swimming experience.

“What’s that for?”

“You use it to get people wet.”

“People in the pool?”

Fear and Air Conditioning

Sometimes when our son is sleeping and the air conditioning comes on, he becomes scared. His level of fear is what you would expect of someone who suddenly noticed a man climbing through the window with a chainsaw. He is so terrified that I am thinking of writing a horror movie that skips over the usual guys in hockey masks and instead makes the killer a central air system. Based on our son’s reaction, it might become the scariest movie of all time. Mix up some dim lighting, ominous music, and shots of an HVAC and people might wet themselves in the theater.

Why A Push Mower

When I tell people that we bought a push mower, they usually respond with words of praise and encouragement. “That’s some cutting edge technology you invested in. What’s next on your list? A butter churn?”

The reason I bought a push mower, though, is because we don’t have much grass. Our lawn looks like the “Before” picture used in hair transplant commercials. “Cris’ lawn could never get a woman’s attention. And men just felt sorry for it.” Thus it doesn’t make sense to buy anything more powerful. It would be like buying a Zamboni after spilling some ice chips on the kitchen floor.

(Photo: Tobyotter)

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Lawnmower

The other day I bought a manual, push lawnmower. Picture a couple of large, rotating carrot peelers connected to a pole. It is a little old fashioned. In fact, in terms of gardening technology, it is one step away from having sheep.

 

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Sponsor Cris' upcoming book, support a charity and promote you or your company for just $35.

Cris Recruits A Company