Nothing in Particular

Honesty

I worry that one day people are going to start being brutally honest with me, saying things like, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to return your phone call, but I don’t like talking with you.”

Wendy's

Wendy's announced that it will be more humane to the chickens and pigs it uses. There's a more humane way to grill an animal and put it between two buns?

Colas

Colas are great-tasting beverages that look like the run-off from the work bay of a Jiffy Lube. As a result, in their ads Coke and Pepsi tend to emphasize the flavor. They use terms like “crisp” and “refreshing” rather than, say, “brown liquid”. Describing a drink as “brown liquid” does not make your mouth water. Instead it gives you the dry heaves. 

Airplane Aisles

The aisles on airplanes are designed to accommodate the number of travelers who are 5’ 5’’ and weigh 12 pounds. However, they can be tight spaces for anyone who eats more than semi-annually. Airline aisles tend to be the width of an orange. In fact, many airplane cabins were designed using the same dimensions and layout as machines used to sort fruit. Business Class is modeled on the slots used for collecting medium-sized melons, while Coach seating has the same roominess as chutes used to collect individual grapes.

Back Problems

I injured one of my back muscles. As a result, I feel intense pain whenever I do something extreme, like pick up a cracker or inhale. It feels like someone is casually trying to change the configuration of internal organs with the claw end of a hammer.

Personality Tests

As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether you are extroverted, introverted, creative, analytical, lactose intolerant, Asian … They get a strange amount of information out of some multiple choice questions. “Based on your answers to the questions about justice, we believe that you have a low sperm count.”

Most questions are fairly straight forward. “When you have free time, would you rather sit and read or steal a city transit bus?” Some are a little more esoteric. “True or false: The current economic crisis is best represented by a medium-sized zucchini.”

Somehow, with a few questions like these, the creators of the test can look into your soul. 

“Thank you for completing the test. We have alerted the authorities.”

“What? Wait! Can I change my answer about mufflers?”

Walking

I would like to lose weight by walking. Given my eating habits, though, this might require me to walk every day from my house to, say, Poland.

Baggage

So when bags go around on the airport luggage carousel, does it bother them to be stared at and objectified like that?

Refrigerators

We went shopping for a new refrigerator, which is like shopping for a new home, but for deli items. “Would our cheese be happy in this one?” Modern refrigerators come with features like the “dual zone cooling, preservation unit.” Most of these names translate to “the bin where you keep meat”.

With All Due Respect

In TV shows when someone starts a sentence “With all due respect”, it is always followed by some sort of insult or argument. No one ever says, “With all due respect, you smell fantastic.” In fact, that line is never followed by any due respect. “With all due respect, I really admire your stance on the new tax legislation.” Instead it is usually a prelude to something bad. “With all due respect, (sounds of machine gun fire).”