Nothing in Particular

Airplane Aisles

The aisles on airplanes are designed to accommodate the number of travelers who are 5’ 5’’ and weigh 12 pounds. However, they can be tight spaces for anyone who eats more than semi-annually. Airline aisles tend to be the width of an orange. In fact, many airplane cabins were designed using the same dimensions and layout as machines used to sort fruit. Business Class is modeled on the slots used for collecting medium-sized melons, while Coach seating has the same roominess as chutes used to collect individual grapes.

Baggage

So when bags go around on the airport luggage carousel, does it bother them to be stared at and objectified like that?

Airplane Bathrooms

An airplane bathroom is essentially a coffin that flushes. In fact, when a plane is going to crash, it is possible that the flight attendants make announcements like, “At this time we would like three of you to get into the lavatories. This way you will be prepared for burial when the salvage crew arrives.”

 

State Lines

Our son has a placemat with a map of the United States on it. “That spill at breakfast completely wiped out Florida.” Looking at the shapes of the various states, it’s clear that when they acquired those western territories, they started hiring anal retentive people to draw the boundaries. “This is Stan. He has a ruler.”

 

Postcards

Postcards are a simple, yet decorative way to mock people who are not on vacation with you. With just a single piece of paper and a small amount of postage, you can take a tropical paradise and shove it in someone else’s face. Some people think that you send postcards to brighten a friend’s day. But a friend’s day is not brightened by a reminder that he is not in Hawaii. A friend’s day would be brightened if you sent a postcard showing you being violated by airport security.

 

Baggage Claim

Last night, when picking my dad up at the airport, I helped him get his luggage off the baggage carousel. This sport traces its roots back to the Olympic Hammer Throw competition. In fact, many modern day Olympians now train by working the morning shift at Terminal B of the Dallas / Fort Worth Airport.

Baggage retrieval has kept some of the key elements of the Hammer Throw, such as grunting and the eventual need for back surgery. Also, when taking a bag off of the carousel, most people try to mimic the violent twisting motion used in the Hammer Throw, even if this results in someone nearby being decapitated.

 

Shooting From The Hip

According to a story in the news, an undercover TSA agent was able to repeatedly go through full body scanning machines at the airport without any of the personnel noticing that she had a gun hidden in her underwear. I am hoping for their sake that it was at least a small gun and not, say, a hunting rifle.

After all, there might be a situation where it would be completely understandable for someone to not notice that a traveler’s underwear contained a small firearm. Maybe Hanes has a new line of briefs decorated with drawings compact pistols. “So the next time you remove your pants at an NRA convention...”

However, I can’t think of a scenario where you could legitimately not notice that someone had a shotgun in his shorts. “Agents first became suspicious when they noticed an ammunition clip protruding from the suspect’s zipper.”

Wii Sports Resort

Last week we played a game called "Wii Sports Resort". I've never been to a resort, but I don't think they normally let guests fly prop planes over populated areas or beat other guests with a stick. "Feel relaxed? (Whack!)" From what I have heard, a realistic resort game would feature activities like "Buffet Eating Disorder" and "Regrettable Affair With The Snorkeling Guide".

Airport security euphemisms

What euphemistic slogans could airport security use with their new, intense passenger pat down procedures?

"Flying the Violated Skies"

"Your Prostate Is Cleared For Takeoff"

Or...

Sending the wrong signal

Mistaken for a runway stripe, this woman was later crushed by a Boeing 707.