Nothing in Particular

Personality Tests

As part of a job, I recently had to take one of those personality tests. “According to these results, you have no personality.” Based on how you answer a series of questions, you are told whether you are extroverted, introverted, creative, analytical, lactose intolerant, Asian … They get a strange amount of information out of some multiple choice questions. “Based on your answers to the questions about justice, we believe that you have a low sperm count.”

Most questions are fairly straight forward. “When you have free time, would you rather sit and read or steal a city transit bus?” Some are a little more esoteric. “True or false: The current economic crisis is best represented by a medium-sized zucchini.”

Somehow, with a few questions like these, the creators of the test can look into your soul. 

“Thank you for completing the test. We have alerted the authorities.”

“What? Wait! Can I change my answer about mufflers?”

Background Checks

Some companies I have worked for have done background checks on all of their employees. “Can we trust him around the sticky notes?” Some of them have forms that ask basic preliminary questions like “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” or “Have you ever been a United States Senator?” If you answered “yes” to the first question, it could mean that you cannot be trusted with financial information. If you answered “yes” to the second question, it could mean that you are prone to removing your pants when alone with a coworker.

Applying For A Job

Here is a blog post I was asked to do for the company Evantec Consulting. And yes, the emails discussed are true and word for word.

 

 

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Sponsor the upcoming book, support a charity and promote your work for just $35.

Cris Recruits A Company

 

Office Supplies

The other day I got an office supply catalogue in the mail. It was the kind where even the smallest order would have to be delivered to your home by a cargo plane. “Is that a C-130 in Stan’s driveway?” It specialized in bulk quantities.

“How many rolls of packing tape come with the medium order?”

“Enough that you won’t be able to store them in any state smaller than Ohio.”

This same catalogue also sold moving blankets, padding you put around large pieces of furniture so they don’t get scratched when you drag them through the doorway or over a family member. “Sorry, Phil. Didn’t see you there. And I guess the blanket muffled your screams.”

One of the moving blankets they sold was camouflage. Apparently a lot of their clients move furniture as part of military operations in the jungles of Vietnam. “It would be a lot easier to attack the enemy’s camp if we didn’t have to take this filing cabinet with us.”

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Sponsor the upcoming book, support a charity and promote your work for just $35.

Cris Recruits A Company

 

Furnishings Fail

Unable to afford real furniture for his office, Carl was forced to steal items from the local Gymboree.

(Photo copyright (c) Official GDC)

Human Resources

Although employees were occasionally let out of their cubes for exercise, the company had very strict leash laws.

(Photo copyright (c) Matthew David Powell)

Resume Magnet

The newest Nothing in Particular magnet.

Career Advice

Career tip: On your resume, cover over awkward years in your career with the job title "Independent Consultant". This looks much better than "Inmate" or "Drug Mule".

Presentation

Although Leon had said his presentation would involve visual aides, people were still surprised when he removed his pants.

Lost in Translation

Back when I wrote a newspaper column, I had the following exchange . . . twice.

Lady: So what do you do for a living?

Me: I'm a humor columnist.

Lady: Oh my son likes to draw.